Last year was a pretty typical year in some ways, with ups and downs and the busy-ness that controls them. However, some unique things happened that have shaken me a bit and although I will not outline all the details publicly, I will admit that I am still processing these events and am praying desperately for God to continue to reveal Himself as the quintessential problem-solver in me kicks and screams all the way to . . . well, I'm not sure where we're going, but I know His plan will be better than mine. It has to be.
My fellow 80s "kids" may remember the Bonnie Tyler song "Holding Out for a Hero." The "street-wise Hercules" and "white knight upon a fiery steed" imagery were imprinted on my teenage brain via Kevin Bacon and the tractors-playing-chicken scene in "Footloose" and the equally-as-powerful-for-a-loyal-Days-of-Our-Lives-viewer episode when Bo kidnaps Hope from the church (just before she married the horrible Larry Welch) and whisks her off on a stolen motorcycle. In both, the "hero" was the stereotypical man who takes huge risks in order to impress/rescue/woo the damsel in distress. As many young women are prone to do, I fell for this scenario hook, line, and sinker. And subsequently sunk. Not too far, but far enough. I sunk into the expectation that I - and every woman, really - deserved displays of heroics that were risky, emotion and/or adrenaline based, and that somehow proved the hero's love and devotion.
Yeah, that's totally bogus.
And no, this post is really not going to be a mushy-gushy expose about my husband. As wonderful as he is and as thankful as I am for him and for our life together, he is not my hero. He can sometimes be heroic and there are definitely those "ahhh" moments that do make my heart flutter . . . And maybe some of you will take offense that I am not calling him my hero. Please know that my love for him is not to be doubted or minimized. But it also must be in its proper place, otherwise my projected expectations will melt those Icarus-like wings and he'll drown without even knowing why.
- I lost a co-worker and friend to melanoma in March. She was only 40 and left behind her husband and three young children. I do not understand God's purpose in this situation. I am sad and miss my friend.
- Rather than make forward progress financially, our family experienced a huge setback that still leaves me stewing in self-righteous, indignant anger because it was avoidable. Because of this, I am giving up my dream to go back to school to get my EdS (and perhaps eventually my PhD) and yes, I'm still sad about this, as well as a bit anxious about budgetary concerns.
- Several people that I know and love have rejected gospel truth this year and have latched onto things or people or philosophies that will not, cannot satisfy. Students who should "know better" have gotten involved in things they shouldn't. Dear friends have chosen to give up on their marriages - for somewhat trivial reasons - rather than honor the covenant they made before God.
Because I want to fix things and am a check-things-off-the-list kind of person (see my August post...), all of these situations have had me shaking my fist at God like a bravado-filled skinny kid in a playground fight.
Side note: there is a bit of irony in the "update blog" checkmark only happening about twice a year. Frustrating.
So how is 2014 going to be any different? Ummm, it's not. People are going to disappoint; bills are going to continue to pile up (hopefully just not as quickly...); friends or family members may die or suffer from sickness.
To be honest, I am not sure what the "takeaway" is yet from processing the challenges of 2013. All I know is that the God of the universe loves me and He is not pacing the hallways of heaven worrying about whether or not this new Dauma family 2014 budget will "take" or which diet plan I should yet again try to follow. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and I am confident that He will meet my needs and the needs of my family. And many of the wants...
Jesus was fully divine, yet also fully human, so he wasn't a hero in the mythological sense (with one parent who is a god and one who is a human). So, is he my hero? That sounds so silly and trivial and perhaps a tad sacrilegious . . . and I suppose my opinion is that I do not think the concept of hero is one that needs to be fulfilled in order for us to recognize and experience the heroic, the sacrificial, the loyal, the gallant shown by Jesus OR by the humans God has placed in our lives. The problems arise when the earthbound become all-encompassing. Whether the "hero" is in the form of our spouse, our boss, a coach, a reality TV star, our favorite blogger, our pastor, Billy Graham, our friend, our child . . . none of these can live up to the expectations that we put on them. I believe it is essential for human beings to encourage and inspire one another, and to be the recipient of encouragement and inspiration from others. Especially as a teacher, I couldn't function without that belief! However, I think the mantras of "do great things" and "make a name for yourself" and the like can be shallow and echo back with disappointment when the great things don't turn out quite like we expected or the name we make might not echo with renown.
Jesus is not going to erase all death, disease, or disappointment. Nor is He going to always protect our children from harm or guarantee them success, even if we follow every single nutrition guideline or safety seat rule or provide an idyllic childhood environment. However, He did leave the riches of heaven to lay down His life for me - and for them - and promises abundant life to those who follow Him. My financial balance sheet, job performance, church attendance record, weight, or _____ (insert any other "get your life together NOW for the new year" topic) are as useless as an umbrella in a sideways rainstorm when it comes to pitiful attempts to substantiate my "I deserve it" status of the ultimate expression of valor in the war for my soul.
So, semantics aside, of course Jesus is the hero of those who have claimed this promise of sacrifice. But, he's "everything He's promised and so much more. More than amazing. More than miraculous. More than wonderful." Another 80s flashbacks for you who know and love Sandi Patty.
I don't know if I really get this the way He wants me to. But I so hope and pray for a more sure and true understanding that "somewhere just beyond my reach/There's someone reaching back for me" (Tyler).
And his grip is strong and true and eternal. Heroic, even.
