Three things have led to an interesting and thought-provoking and somewhat crushing day. And that's awesome. Not awesome like in the movie song "Everything is Awesome" . . . but I'm getting ahead of myself.
First of all, this morning's sermon on Romans 12:9-13 challenged me to love fellow believers selflessly and sincerely, even when they frustrate me or even when I'm inconvenienced. Ouch.
Secondly, I watched movie with my family about Lego mini-figures who demonstrate the juxtaposition of those who desire disciplined order and those who prefer creative chaos and whose "masters" reconcile in a heart-wrenching - albeit somewhat formulaic - ending. Funny and interesting.
Finally, I watched an Olympic figure skater who wiped out after a triple lutz 30 seconds into a 4-minute routine, yet went on to skate beautifully, even while knowing that her mistake would ensure that her country's team would not appear on the medal stand. Tragically inspiring.
So yeah. I'm very competitive. For the first decade of our marriage, my husband would not play board games with me at parties or family gatherings. Flat out refused. Thankfully, I have mellowed a BIT on that front, but there is still something visceral that arises occasionally that just wants to win. Jeopardy. Online quizzes. Scrabble. Not only do I really like to win games, but I also secretly desire victory in the "martyr-like" competitions that are mostly mental, but embarrassingly, sometimes verbal as well. Who's the busiest? Me. Who's got the most papers to grade with the least time? Me again.
But ironically, the reason I've been a bit demolished today is because of what I'd consider not my desire to win, but my tendency to make excuses. And my tendency to wipe out, not at an ice rink (makes my ankles hurt just thinking about ice skating for more than 15 minutes!), but in my interactions with others. And then to just lie there and crawl off the social and relational ice, licking my wounds and winding up back at the make excuses stage.
"But they are SO irresponsible."
"There have to be consequences for behavior."
"Someone has to call them out on that and I am just one of those people who had the nerve to say something when I KNOW everyone else is thinking the same thing."
Oh dear Jesus, forgive me for my lack of love and carry me forward with your grace and mercy. And because of it.
I know I cannot be the only believer who struggles with this because I read the vitriol-filled comments on blogs. On Facebook posts. Among Christians. Among moms. I hear about the broken friendships and witness the avoidance that characterizes interactions - in cyberspace and at the PTA meeting and at the mall - among those who inflict the wounds (me included) and those who are wounded (me included). Even at 44 years of age, I cringe at certain social situations because my heart starts pounding and my 13-year old awkward self emerges. The one who wore pin-curls and off-brand jeans in the age of spiral perms and Guess and possessed (possesses?) an extremely limited ability to carry on conversations about "normal" stuff. Yep, she starts to scream "No" and prompts me to leave the (literal or metaphorical) room and to never come back. I just know I will say the wrong thing and feel horrible. Or I will say the sort of right thing but at the definite wrong time. Or I'll just stare into space, smiling a vague Mona Lisa smile, and wonder why I am there.
I will never be the Pollyanna-esque character like "Unikitty" in The Lego Movie. I do not think that just putting on a happy face or drawing on the "power of positive thinking" is enough to transparently connect with other people or to face life's challenges or to truly show compassion to those who are hurting. I will also never be mega-organized and inflexible like "President Business." However, I just know that somehow there has to be a balance. And that balance, which more than likely will NOT come from any human source - should lead to that way-past-human-understanding peace. And it will help us understand how we CAN reconcile the warring factions within our own hearts and within our Bible study groups and at our workplaces and on the soccer sidelines.
Between the candor and the caring.
Between the Mary and the Martha.
Between the comparisons and the compassion.
Between the spirits that are quietly gentle and those that are loudly zealous and those who bounce back and forth between those two extremes on a temper-and-personality-fueled spring.
Between the precious, laid-back soul who really does mean "bless your heart" when she says it and the opinionated loudmouth who doesn't know WHAT words might come out of her mouth the next time she gets behind the person driving 10 miles below the speed limit when she is late (again) to deliver her child to soccer practice/dance class/Rubik's Cube club meeting. Theoretically, of course.
Blaming our personalities or upbringings or perceived (or real) rejection by peers (either adolescent or adult) is not going to cut it. Yes, some of us speak too quickly and too boldly sometimes. Yes, some of us would rather read a book than talk to other grown women. And some would rather stay in "small talk zone" rather than admit we need help. And some of us feel the constant tension of wanting to speak truth while also being mindful that Christ calls us to show grace-filled agape love, even when we aren't "feeling it." And yes, sometimes it is hard to attempt to find the balance between the resting and the reaching out that God has called His children to. And to find all the balances between all the things.
Loving the people around us the way Christ loves us is going to cause some sloppy landings. And some sore ankles. Because people are not Lego figures with instructions. And the ice is slippery.
