I told my students on Monday that they'd need to tiptoe around me all week because I'm a bit sensitive about my birthday (which was on Friday). As I reflect on those words, I can't really tell you why I told them that . . . I am not someone who dreads getting older or who thinks that a number (even if that number is "over the hill" plus three) defines me. And that's a good thing, because some of the OTHER numbers in my life are downright depressing.
Take that number staring out at me from the digital monster on the bathroom floor. Sigh. Too many biscuits, Coca-Colas, bowls of macaroni and cheese, and Twix bars and not near enough sustained aerobic exercise. Yep, I completely own that number and all it means even though I cannot dwell on it for long for fear of losing all hope of ever fitting into my "skinny" (VERY relative term) jeans or tucking in a shirt ever again.
Then, there are the number of hours I work: about 55 during an average week. At least 45 hours AT school and usually around 10 at home. I love teaching and am thankful to have a great job at a good school. I feel at peace when I'm standing in front of my class and even when I'm planning lessons at 10 PM for the next day. But working with teenagers takes so much out of you sometimes and the salary definitely doesn't feel like it's compensatory for my time and effort. So, I try not to dwell on that part of my job and instead think about the smiles, the "light bulb" moments in the classrooms, and the students (and parents) who come back and say "thanks."
Next, there is the number that represents the unsecured debt that we've procured over the years. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Even though we've steadily been making our way out of the pit for about 5 years now (thanks, Dave), the progress is slow (because we didn't do things like sell everything and start sewing our own clothes) and that number could still bring about some fairly significant moments of defeat, blame, and covetousness.
Another number that is suspiciously depressing is the number of Facebook friends I have versus the number of people I have had a serious conversation with in the last year. I do not want to pontificate on the evils of social media (I'll leave that for my acquaintances who eschew any involvement) because I love the connection with friends both far away and down the street. However, there is a philosophical "hmmm" that pops into my mind when I compare the two realities. I love a deep, controversial conversation with a friend who I admire, and unfortunately (mostly because of that third number I mentioned) I just do not have (or make) time for meaningful connections.
So . . . happy birthday to me! Why get upset about a number that I CAN'T change when there is so much more reason to be down in the dumps about the numbers that I CAN change, but don't make much effort to. The whole issue gets discombobulated by thoughts of my own mortality, my desire to enjoy good food, my determination that in order to be a good teacher, 50-60 hours of work ARE required, my habits of buying convenience and restaurant food coupled with my (sometimes prideful) desire for my kids to be "involved" in activities they love, and my introverted tendency to spend any "found" free moments with a book rather than with a friend.
The good news? I am more than a number. The commercials were right.
As important as health, financial stability, and friendship are, I still have to understand my own limitations and live in the grace of each moment as it comes. I do not know what my 44th year will bring me, but I am going to try to remember some numbers that are a bit more uplifting.
15, 694 - days God has given me on this earth. He creates and He sustains!
33 - years since trusting in the saving work of Jesus on the cross. He started a good work in me and will be faithful to complete it. Also the number of years He walked this earth - breathing and crying and laughing and loving perfectly.
27 - Elvis albums I own. No, they are not in mint condition.
23 - years since meeting Anthony. He's my rock, truly.
18 - years I've been a mom. My children are the best gifts ever, even though only one of them was "planned" (by us!).
14 - times I've read Little Women.
7 - years left until I can retire from teaching (lots of "ifs" in that one - IF we stay in Alabama and IF we move to Madison so Harley can finish school there), but still, it's fun to think about!
5 - driving trips I've made to Washington state - taking a different route every time and seeing most of this amazing country. Well, the last drive was in a a Ryder moving truck and it was the ONLY time we stopped along the way. Crazy, stupid, twenty-somethings! Fun times.
3 - amazing sisters: friends, co-commiserators, motivators, and all around wonderful women of whom I'm immensely proud!
2 - decades of marriage that have taught me so much about grace, forgiveness, and God's sovereignty.
1 - more birthday in the books!!
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